Why Self-Care Matters: Understanding Ourselves and Our Needs

When we think about self-care, it’s often misunderstood and reduced to things like bubble baths, quiet evenings, or a day off. And while these can be enjoyable and helpful in their own way, I often find that a fundamental part of self-care is left out.

For me, self-care is much more about noticing, understanding, and responding to your inner experience—your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations—and recognising what they might be telling you about your needs.

Many people spend their lives caring for others—partners, children, parents, colleagues—and often put their own needs last. In my practice, I see this often: people who are thoughtful, capable, and deeply caring towards others, yet rarely pause to check in with themselves. Research reflects this too:

• Around 15% of adults in the UK provide unpaid care for someone else, and these carers are more likely to experience anxiety and depression than non-carers.

• Studies indicate that over 70% of caregivers report unmet needs for self-care, and many delay attending to their own health because of caregiving responsibilities.

Ignoring your own needs over time can leave you feeling emotionally tired, disconnected, or like you’re constantly running on empty. It can also affect how you relate to others. So how does this happen?

How Early Relationships Shape How We Care for Ourselves

Our early childhood relationships with our caregivers directly influence how we treat ourselves as adults. As children, we rely on caregivers not only for practical care, but for emotional support—for someone to notice how we feel, understand our needs, and respond in ways that help us feel safe, seen, and valued.

When this happens consistently, we tend to grow up with a sense that our feelings matter and that it’s okay to have needs. When it doesn’t, we may begin to learn something very different—often without realising it.

For example:

• If your feelings were dismissed or minimised, you may have learned that your emotions are not important or shouldn’t be expressed.

• If care and attention felt unpredictable, you may have learned that you need to rely only on yourself.

• If you were made to feel guilty for having needs, you may have learned that putting yourself first is selfish or wrong.

• If you had to manage the emotions of adults around you, you may have learned that your role is to take care of others, not yourself.

These early experiences don’t just stay in the past—they can quietly shape how you respond to yourself in the present. To cope, many people develop ways of getting through that make sense at the time, but can become limiting later in life.

You might recognise some of these in yourself:

• Putting others first, even when you are tired or stretched thin.

• Struggling to say no, even when something doesn’t feel right for you.

• Keeping yourself busy so there’s little space to feel or reflect.

• Pushing emotions aside and telling yourself to “just get on with it.”

• Finding it hard to ask for support, even when you need it.

These ways of coping are not weaknesses—they are adaptations. At some point, they likely helped you manage difficult situations. But over time, they can disconnect you from your own needs and make self-care feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable.

Self-Care as an Intentional Practice

Self-care, in its truest sense, is about building a different relationship with yourself. It’s about learning to pause and ask:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What do I need?

• Am I listening to myself, or pushing this aside?

It involves:

• Noticing your emotions and allowing them space, rather than dismissing them.

• Recognising unmet needs—whether that’s rest, reassurance, connection, or support.

• Setting boundaries to protect your time, energy, and well-being.

• Gently questioning old beliefs that tell you your needs don’t matter.

This is not always easy, especially if you’ve spent years focusing on others or learned that your needs come second. But it is possible to learn a different way of relating to yourself—one that supports your well-being, your confidence, and your sense of self.

In therapy, this can become a space where you begin to explore these experiences, understand where they come from, and start responding to yourself with more awareness and compassion.

Self-care isn’t about getting it right all the time. It’s about showing up for yourself consistently, even in small ways. It’s about recognising that your needs matter, your feelings make sense, and you are just as deserving of care as the people you so often show up for.