Carrying the Echoes of Childhood: How Past Trauma Can Shape Your Present

Do you often have a feeling of unease you can’t quite place? Or notice yourself entering intimate relationships where you overextend yourself to make the other person happy, where you get hurt easily, or maybe do not feel valued, seen, or heard? Perhaps you overthink a lot about what others might think of you, constantly replaying conversations in your head with your manager, work colleague, or partner. And what about those constant thoughts that sweep in: “Is it me? It must be my fault; I am no good.” Along with an endless list of things you “should” and “have to” do? The more you try to keep up, the more you seem to chase your tail. Do you feel guilt or shame if you say “no” to a friend or at work for not taking on that extra project?

What if I told you that these are things many of us have in common, and that they may be echoes of your childhood experiences?

Many of us carry an invisible weight—not from one single, dramatic event, but from the accumulation of early experiences. The ways we were parented, the relationship models our carers shaped for us, the messages we received (spoken or unspoken), and the emotional climate we grew up in all influence how we navigate life today. These experiences required us to adapt, unconsciously, to our family's expectations, fulfilling roles within the family dynamics (such as “the responsible one,” “the disorganised one” or “the thoughtful one”). Understanding this isn’t about blaming the past—it’s about seeing how we learned to feel accepted and how these adaptations, which once helped us survive, can evolve and show up in our adult lives.

In my work as a therapist, I’ve seen how these early experiences quietly influence daily life. They become the automatic ways our minds and bodies respond, often without us noticing.

For example:

• Growing up in a home where adults were critical, or where voices could rise without warning, you may have learned to remain hyper-vigilant—constantly scanning for tension, avoiding conflict, feeling tension in your body, and not being able to relax.

• Some children become quiet observers, trying not to draw attention; others act out to be seen or to express feelings that weren’t acknowledged.

• In chaotic or emotionally distant homes, you might have learned that expressing emotions could be risky, and so you may have adapted by suppressing your feelings. You may often feel lonely if emotional support was not available or inconsistent, and you may have learned to lean only on yourself, becoming overly independent and finding it hard to admit and accept support.

  
  

These survival strategies worked at the time, but as adults, they can show up in ways that feel limiting or exhausting, influencing our relationships, our self-image, and our daily lives.

How These Echoes Show Up in Adulthood

The way we feel, think, and react often has roots we don’t immediately see. For instance, in our relationships and self-image, we often unconsciously gravitate toward partners who reflect the emotional dynamics of our early environment. Someone who grew up with an emotionally distant parent, for example, may repeatedly seek emotionally unavailable partners because it feels familiar, even if that hurts. And if your childhood highlighted mistakes over successes, you might now struggle with persistent self-doubt, fear of failure, or a deep sense that you are "not enough."

These patterns also shape our expectations of ourselves and others. The “good child” who was praised only when they brought home good results may now impose impossible standards on themselves to feel worthy of love or respect. Similarly, if love in childhood was inconsistent or conditional, you may find it difficult to trust others, impacting your sense of worth and making it hard to relax in relationships, even when people are reliable and caring.

Ultimately, these echoes influence our response to stress, conflict, and shame. A “trigger” is a signal that reminds your nervous system of a past emotional experience. Your nervous system is the body's alarm system, and because the body stores what the mind cannot fully process, it can become overly sensitive. This is why reactions can feel stronger than the moment seems to deserve—your body is responding as if you are in a past threat situation, even though you are a capable adult now. These triggers can often bring a rush of shame or self-criticism, even when the situation doesn’t objectively warrant it, with that persistent feeling of "Is it me? Is it my fault?" often rooted in the messages we received as children. Your nervous system may also react with body tension, frequent headaches, digestive issues, excessive fatigue, or anxiety. This is the body’s way of responding to a perceived threat, as it continues to carry the echoes of past experiences, translating them into physical sensations as a warning something is not right.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy provides a path to change the way your past influences your present. Approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) and other trauma-informed therapies can help you process those old experiences. They don’t erase memories, but they change how you feel about them. The goal is to help your brain and nervous system re-file past events from a "current threat" folder to a "past event" folder.

Your nervous system is like an alarm system. In a state of chronic stress from past experiences, that alarm is easily triggered. Therapy helps lower the volume on that alarm. It means that you are helping your body learn to feel safe and remain calm in situations that before may have felt very intense.

When old triggers are active, emotions can feel like a tidal wave you can't control. Therapy helps you build a greater "window of tolerance," the emotional space where you can experience feelings without being consumed by them. It doesn’t mean you stop feeling, but you can feel without being consumed. For instance, instead of shutting down or withdrawing from a difficult conversation, you can stay present and express your views more confidently, without automatically resorting to old survival strategies.

Changes in therapy often show up in subtle but profound ways. They are the difference between reacting and responding. For example, instead of a minor criticism making you feel worthless, you can acknowledge the feedback without it affecting your self-worth. You might find it easier to speak up and assert your ideas; you may be able to build trust in others, rather than waiting for the "other shoe to drop." The constant feeling of "I'm not good enough" starts to fade as you may become less self-critical and more able to embrace your limitations.

Ultimately, therapy empowers you to create space between a trigger and your reaction. You can learn to respond to life as it is now, rather than reacting automatically to the past. This isn't about becoming a different person; it's about reclaiming who you've always been, free from the weight you've been carrying.

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”

— Nathaniel Branden

🌿 Therapy Tip of the Month: Grounding & Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

When you feel that quiet unease, try the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can touch

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

This helps calm your nervous system and gradually expand your “window of tolerance”—the range where you can experience life without being overwhelmed by old stress responses.